Short Story- Her Disastrous Infatuation

Love can be something quick. It can be a temporary feeling that fades after a while. Vanishes once it’s clear your love will not be returned. Or, it can be long-standing and painful. Resting within you, breaking you, causing grief and madness.

Either they requite it, or you’re left with loving an impossible love. Either in love with the idea of being with the human, or in love with the actual body and soul, craving them. Needing their touch and presence. Simply wanting them and nothing else.

Love can be innocent and small, or a fire that burns for ages. A fire that is unexplainable. Love can be finding them adorable, wanting to make them happy, or enjoying their company. Or, loving someone can be knowing you’d die for them. It can be romantic and strong. A passion that never fades. A sensation that becomes trapped within a being. A feeling that can either break or put together. Something that can destroy someone or make them happy and peaceful.

It’s this or that. Either and or. Either they’ll love you back, or the feelings become unrequited, and you’re destined to either break apart and love them forever, or move on and find a different and better love. Either hold on or accept. It’s a choice between heart and mind. Your heart wants to love them, but your mind knows it’s best to leave it behind. The decision is based on who the person is. How they think will determine which they’ll choose.

Love can be dangerous. Intimate. Innocent. Sweet. Passionate. Love can be so many things. It can be seen and shown in different ways. Love is either simple or complex. It can be easy or hard. It all depends on the lover and partner.

Simply loving someone is difficult, but falling in love can ruin a person. You either fall in love happily or tragically. It either ends badly or expectedly. A this or that concept.

She had loved him since grade school. He didn’t know of her feelings. They were friends, good friends. Very close buddies. He’d listen to her, she’d rant about different things. They’d tease each other, hang out together, talk with each other for hours on end. Trusted each other, knew each other. They were simply two people lucky enough to meet. Luck. The start of their friendship was based off of luck.

The day she had bumped into him, and spilled her drink onto his shirt in the cafeteria in fifth grade, was one of the best days of her life. She’d always wondered about what would have happened if she wasn’t feeling sad or clumsy that day. Pondered over if she still would have met him. They became friends over a simple chance of meeting. She was thankful for that event. It was merely a random happening that formed into a wonderful butterfly effect.

She had thought he felt something. There was a small flare of hope that maybe there could be something more between them. His signals were misjudged, not looked at correctly. She mistook his actions of affections for love. In his mind, she was a friend that he cared about, platonically. In hers, it was so much more. Corrupt feelings. Deep thoughts and emotions that rattled her to the bone.

Everything seemed right. She used to always believe in destiny and soulmates. She hopelessly fell for him, and believed they were spiritually connected. Fairytales blinded her. Faith was her ultimate downfall. She put too much faith in an unreliable concept. When the mask was taken off, when the curtains fell down, she was devastated. Betrayed. She felt as if she had been lied to. Only, it was her that had been deceiving herself. Setting up her own destruction and misconceptions.

In love was what she was, in a dangerous and passionate way. She loved him fiercely. Nothing could break their bond. Nobody. She was certain they’d be friends forever. Her blindness and innocence ruined her. It broke her when reality seeped in. Damaged. Heartbroken. Unloved. She became desperate and lonely in the aftermath. It never occurred to her that one day he wouldn’t be there anymore. That, her future she wanted would never come to be true.

He was gone suddenly after graduation. Vanished from her life as if she meant nothing to him. Gone in a flash. Lost was now what she was. The sorrow was consuming, overwhelming. It hurt her to know that she may have lost him forever, that she’d never speak with him again. Never hear his attractive laugh, never look into those adoring eyes ever again. She didn’t know whether or not she’d ever get the chance to speak to him again, to interact with him. The reality punched her deeply in the gut, leaving unhealed holes and wounds.

Regrets filled her. If she had known he would disappear, she would have done anything to make him stay. But, she couldn’t go back in time. It saddened her.

Crazed and isolated. Months were spent crying and remembering. Becoming nostalgic over past memories. Sobbing over what could have been. She missed him dearly. She missed him as if he had died, as if he didn’t exist anymore. Her love for him had kept her up at night. The remembrance of him and their friendship shook her to sorrow and insanity. Every day, she had hoped that he would come back. She waited. Used patience. It wasn’t enough though. She had wasted her years waiting for an unrealistic dream.

Never thinking she’d feel his presence again, she fell into a void. A deep hole full of emptiness and regrets that couldn’t be painted over. That one love had destroyed who she was, what she could have been. Her powerful and sentimental emotions controlled her, shook her. Taunted her. She believed there was no one else, only him. Nobody else could compare. She fell into a horrid state of close-mindedness.  After a couple years of living in agony and despondency, of wishes and dead hopes, fate decided to step in. To her, it was fate. In reality, it was luck. It was simply a mere, joyful coincidence. An unexpected event of passing by each other. A rare happening.

She’d been at a coffee shop in the early afternoon. He happened to be there too. Her name was called; she went up to get her drink. He was paying for his beverage. The moment she glanced at the person next to her, she instinctively knew who he was. She had never forgotten his face. The moment she saw the young man standing a few inches beside of her, her heart had leapt with joy. Happiness consumed her once again. The glow was back. For a mere moment, she felt as if everything would be okay. It lasted long enough to make her whole again.

“Myles?” She asked in a surprised yet cheerful voice. It was the day she’d always hoped for. He had returned into her life. She believed that if she waited long enough, her dream would find its way back.

He turned. She grinned. Even after a couple of years, he still looked the same. The same short yet thick black hair. His same brown eyes. Ones that you could get lost in. They were so soft. Gentle. She had always admired his looks. Admired his personality. She loved everything about him, to his flaws and negatives. To his positives and good aspects. His chiseled jaw. His inviting body. Everything. In her mind, he was perfect. It was an overpowering and affectionate feeling.

He seemed shocked to see her. As if he never thought about running into an old friend from the past. As if, this day wasn’t something he had thought of. “Carmen; hey.” He spoke with a deeper voice than she had remembered, then had smiled at her. His smile was something that she desperately loved. It was friendly. Inviting. It was warm and comforting. His smile had broken her out of sad thoughts. Lifted her spirits when she felt down or uncheerful. It had cured her.

Playing with the lid of her cup, she chuckled lowly and timidly smiled. She was so nervous. The butterflies were erupting in her stomach, turning into leaps and twists. Jumping around her insides. They eventually shaped into uncontrollable fireworks. Her hands shook, she felt wobbly. His effect on her was overwhelming, she could barely think straight. Breathe. Think. Focus. She attempted to calm herself.

She suddenly felt horribly self-conscious of herself.

Say something. Keep him around. She needed to do something. Not wanting to lose him once more.

“Yeah, funny running into you like this heh. How’ve you been?” Myles shoved one hand in his jean pocket, while holding his drink in the other and scrunching his cute and well-shaped nose.

“I’ve been alright, thanks. College is pretty rough. What about you? It sure has been a while.” He chuckled and sat down at a near table, she followed.

“That’s great and yeah, I know what you mean.” She paused. Not wanting to tell him the truth. The truth of her brokenness and sadness, she simply told him what he wanted to hear. Asking how someone is, is simply a habit of human nature. It’s typical behavior to ask how someone is, whether you care or not. It’s predictable to not say how you really are, you simply lie, or not tell the whole truth. That’s what she did. “I’ve been okay as well, busy with my job and studying. The usual.” She twisted and tugged at her brownish-blonde curly hair. An old habit that she did when she felt nervous or anxious.

He grinned. His ravishing dimples obvious to see. She internally melted a bit more. He leaned closer from across the small, round table. His arms set on top of the wood. “Ah, still so responsible. Where do you work?”

This was good. Conversation. Catching up. Maybe, this would be her second chance. Just maybe, hopefully. She desperately didn’t want this meet to end. They had finally been reunited. She wanted it to last as long as possible. “Yeah. I work at an animal shelter near here. It keeps me busy and distracted with cleaning and looking after the animals and stuff.”

He nodded, sipping his tasty-looking beverage. “Oh, still hate pet stores?” He asked in a teasing and amused tone of voice. She shrugged. “Yeah. Animal shelters are more safe and trusting.” He snorted.

“Good to see you haven’t changed.” She lightened. He remembered a trait about her. He admired something about her. That had to be a good sign. Right? Anything seemed hopeful to her at this point. It brightened her day to know that he liked something about her, simple as that. Whether he meant it in a loving way or not. Anything was pleasing to her when it came to Myles.

“Right. Anyways, do you live around here?” She secretly hoped he did. How desperately she wanted him to be near her again. She wanted to rekindle their old friendship, their inseparable bond. She wanted her dream to come true at last.  

He shook his head. Her heart dropped. What he said next, mentally upset her. Carved deep into her invisible scars. “No, I live a few hours away. I’m just visiting for the weekend to see my girlfriend who goes to college around here.”

Girlfriend. Of course there was a girlfriend. There was always someone else, something else. There was always someone else that they loved or love. Always. Whether it was a good friend, ex-love, present lover, something that was more important etc. There isn’t a time where your love for someone is perfect. There’s usually always an obstacle, someone else to compete with. There’s always that one person that stands between you and him. It’s sad how you’re often so close, yet so far.

Happy endings never come easily. Or sometimes, not at all.

That one word, girlfriend, pained her. She hated that word being spoken by him, when talking about someone else. She could feel her breathing halt. No. This couldn’t be. She was disappointed. Of course he was in a relationship, of course the universe would put something tragic in their happy meeting. Nothing was ever right when it came to hopeful feelings towards him. Something always got in the way. There was always an obstacle. Then another. Then more. Always something. She got tired of it. For once, she wished something could happen with nothing in the way. Her heart seemed to break and smash itself into pieces at his sentence. All her hopes were turned into doubts. It hurt her to know he feels a deep affection towards another girl. That he loved someone else. The truth smashed into her like a rock being thrown hurriedly at her.

“Oh, that’s neat. She must be very lucky.” Carmen tried not to show her disappointment. She desperately tried not to let her voice crack, to let the tears fall. Her love for him was a selfish kind. A corrupt kind. It was obsessive and deep. It ran through her veins like an addictive drug.

She wanted him to be happy, but she wanted it to be with her. She couldn’t feel happy for another girl who wasn’t her. She was glad he was content, but wished it didn’t have to do with another being. The girl really was lucky to be in the position she’s in. She had him. Carmen did not.

He smiled wistfully. There was a look of pure adoration and love on his face. The emptiness returned. She felt like sobbing. Screaming. Yelling out her frustrations and sorrows. She wanted to stay, yet she wanted to leave, to let out her grief in peace. Carmen didn’t want to seem weak and pathetic.

Swallowing the choking sensation, she attempted to show happiness for him when he spoke. “I’m the lucky one. She’s great honestly, I feel like she’s the one, you know?” He paused. Then spoke again.

“What about you? Any love interests? I remember how you hadn’t ever been with anyone back in school.”

If only he knew. He was her love interest. Always had been. How could she have gotten with someone else, when it was him that she wanted? Her burning love for him would never fade it seemed. She was cursed to love a taken man. Cursed to love someone who didn’t return her strong feelings. Cursed. Luck simply wasn’t on her side, not ever. Nothing was. There was always a silver lining of bad in the good that happened.  “No, not at the moment.” She lied smoothly. She wanted to yell out her secretive and buried confession, but she knew nothing good would happen out of it. She’d feel foolish and insecure. He’d feel uncomfortable and awkward. It would end in a regrettable mess.

He nodded in an understanding way. “Ah, that’s too bad. I’m sure you’ll find someone. You’re a good person.” If only he knew how much that compliment meant to her. She took everything he said out of context. She over-thought his words. Illusions were formed within her. She was deluded. She couldn’t focus or think logically when it came to him. She lived inside her head, and ignored the reality of situations and words.

“Yeah, maybe.” She noted in a small voice, glancing away from his unwavering stare. She looked at the occasional passing by couples on the outside of the cafe. She observed people who were in love inside of the building. She envied them. They got their happy ending. She didn’t. The one person she wanted, wasn’t meant for her. It was the sad reality that she couldn’t and wouldn’t accept. Jealously and sudden anger flared within her.

When she glanced back at him, he was checking his watch to see the time. Oh no. This couldn’t be it. She could feel it was about to happen. He would leave again. She’d be thrown back into the horrendous darkness. Then, the words she didn’t want to hear, were spoken. “Yeah. Well it’s been great talking to you, Carmen. But, I should probably go, don’t want to keep her waiting.” His lover was his first priority of course. Not her. She was nothing now. Just a mere speck of his past. Just a fading memory. Simply a good friend who he’d lost chemistry with. The spark wasn’t there for him anymore, just nostalgia and remembrance. For him, it was always nothing more but a happy friendship, where two people cared about each other. Nothing more. Nothing less.

She nodded a bit sadly and tried to hide the disappointment bubbling within her. She couldn’t show that she was bothered. “Yeah, okay. It was nice seeing you too, Myles. It really was.” If Myles had noticed her depressing tone of voice, he didn’t comment on it. He simply smiled and nodded, then stood up. She mimicked his actions. Tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, she glanced up at him longingly. For the better, she had to keep quiet.

Myles briefly hugged her. She enjoyed the moment while it lasted. She wanted to remember how it felt to have his strong arms encase her. To be near him. To sniff at his heavenly scent. To feel the sensations of his body against hers. She welcomed the warmth of his friendly and innocent hug. Her arms wrapped tight around his neck. He leaned down and pecked her cheek innocently, she blushed and felt flustered. Then, it was gone. His arms left her waist, his presence became distant. The nearness was over. The coldness returned. She had missed his hugs. She remembered how he would always embrace her in a long and comforting hug when she was upset. He’d sit with her for hours, lay with her. Be there for her. He was always good to her. She was and would always be grateful for that. Grateful for him.

They smiled at each other. Then, they said their reluctant goodbyes. They waved. Then, he walked towards the doorway. She followed and watched as he turned and glanced at her one more time, running his eyes over her features, then was out the door. She watched from the pavement as he vanished into the midst of the world, leaving her grasp once again. He was gone. She was devastated. If only things had turned out differently.  

Carmen wanted to call out to him. But, her voice had left her. She stood there, sadly staring at his fading back. There was nothing she could do. Powerless.  She desperately wished she had gotten the courage to get his information, to try and keep in touch with him. Her cowardliness and fear of rejection stood in the way. Like always.

Watching him walk away. Her heart tearing and breaking once more. She ruined herself again. The wound cut itself deeper within her, scarring her. Mentally paining her. They were doomed from the start. She was cursed from the beginning. It was a hapless happening. She was simply cursed to grieve and wish. To wait forever with nothing to arrive. She had only set herself up for a drastic tragedy.

There was never a ‘meant to be’. There was never a him and her. Only, her and hopeful thinking. Wishing her mental scenarios could play out for real. The sad reality is that he went on with life without her, she spent the rest of it falling deeper into madness and numbness. Her love for him had given her hope, yet had managed to crush her. Carmen’s feelings had been fragile. Dangerous. They sent her over the edge. Too much.

Carmen had realized later that he didn’t see her the same way as she saw him. Maybe in the future, they’d run into each other again. They’d greet. Talk. Then leave. Nothing more. It would create a temporary joy, then would leave her dispirited once more. Her feelings became played with, like an amusing toy to the universe. She was doomed to sob, he was blessed to live and love happily. There was no fate, she gave up on that foolish myth. Only hope and events. Only wants and delusions.

There was merely miracles and bad luck. Her love for him had destroyed her hopes. They burned her wishful thoughts. They buried the girl she used to be. Since her love for him was awakened, she had fallen. Everyday. Deeper. Tragically. In the end, there was nothing left but memories and a painful, sentimental, dangerous love. A love that could never be requited. A love that could never be shown. A void that would always be empty. That’s the way it would always be for her. Forever, until death.