Longing (poetry?) piece based off of a prompt

I long to have ambition and to have the strength to feel the overwhelming urge to run and chase after what I want. I long to not be ambitionless and afraid; cowering in the corner like a scared dog. I take a small step forward then always get pushed back by any minor setback. I long to have goals and plans, to be able to think about my future and not feel hopeless and tired. To know where I’m going and what I want to be. I long to not wake up every day to a regular routine and never going after new things.

I long for inspiration and spontaneous ideas, I long for purpose and desires. I long to be able to push through what I’m doing and being able to finish without crying out in frustration, yanking at my hair and giving up so easily. I long for the feeling of accomplishment and feeling proud of dreams. I long to have an impact on anyone or anything and not feeling like I’ve done nothing meaningful in this measly life.

I merely long for the determination and drive that pushes someone towards something good and successful in life. I long to not feel the self-loathing and irritation as I realize that everyone around me has an ambition and talent that they’re working on or racing towards while I’m left in the dust. Standing here with nothing to hold onto and nothing to keep me going.

I try to keep up but I always end up falling down and self-sabotaging myself.

I long for the need to pursue and explore the little skills and talents I possess for a possible career and future. It's an out of body experience as I'm standing there yelling and kicking at myself to get up and do something in life yet I never listen. I'm stuck in my own mind, so terrified to step out into reality and face the consequences and obstacles. 

I long to not live by the toxic motto that it's safer and easier to not pursue and that it's better to stay where I'm at and not venture out further. 

I long to be able to grasp at the small spark that grows within me and not let it slip through my fingers and die back down then feeling so angry at myself for letting it fall and break away so easily again. I long to tell myself that next time I'll get it right yet when the time comes around I make the same mistake over and over. 

I long for the sound of clapping, cheerful voices and prideful, happy stares as they congratulate me and not the sound of lectures and disappointed tones as I hear the same thing over and over again. 

The displeased looks of peers as they wonder where I’m going in life, yet I wonder the same thing.

I long to not hear saddening and barren tones playing like a broken record. I long to not see the disappointing shaking of heads and eyes staring at me like I’m crazy.

I long to not feel discouraged and upset thinking about all the things I haven’t accomplished. I long for easy and bright days, happy mornings and a clear mind. I long to be able to make a difference. I long for everything to not feel so uninteresting and scrambled. I long to not feel like everything’s going downhill and time seems to be stuck in place and not moving forward.

I long to be something other than ambitionless, cowardly and goalless. I long to not give up so easily and to race to the finish line without stopping so often and eventually never getting there.

I’m lying on the ground staring helplessly at the finish line and it seems so far away in the distance then sometimes the line is right there yet I never make it. I long to not feel overwhelmed when things get too complicated and hard.

I long to not feel so self-destructive, helpless and hopeless with everything and everyone. 

I long to have something to believe in; I long for someone to believe in me.

Most importantly; I long to believe in myself. But that faith died out long ago.